


Counterbalance

by accioepiphany



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, It takes place right after The Debate, Post-Canon, Romance, Self-Reflection, allusion to alicia/will and alicia/jhonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 08:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16238126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accioepiphany/pseuds/accioepiphany
Summary: After a long and heavy day, Alicia comes back to her old office to find comfort in a friend she has been setting aside. But there are things that need to get fixed first, within the two of them and within herself.





	Counterbalance

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this some time ago around The Debate or the episode before it, when there was still a campaign going on and Alicia was still partner with Diane and Cary. So this story takes place around that timeline. I guess it is some sort of AU now? (accompanied by a headcanon in which Finn plays the guitar!)

It had been a long day. Three interviews in a row. One of them, the last one, a total disaster, too much questioning about her 'affair' with Will, oh how she hated that word, and how much was it repeated. Johnny had tried to ease her anger, told her it wasn't that bad, she only needed to dismiss the subject, treat it as nothing. He didn't got it, she didn't wanted that, it wasn't nothing; and she didn't know how to explain that to him.

After it was over Alicia headed back to the office. She wanted to remind herself of something, maybe of why she was doing all this. The memories of running everywhere when there were deadlines, the different cases, going to court, learning, growing, expanding. She stepped out of the elevator and faced the "Florrick, Agos & Lockhart" sign. How ironic, her name was heading but she rarely came here anymore, this was the first time in weeks.

She continued walking towards her current office, there were only a few lawyers working late, new faces she didn't recognized. She wondered if the feeling was reciprocate, if they knew who she was at all or if they just saw her as a stranger.

Will would also be working this late, she thought. She would go to his office, were she was heading right now, and ask him about the case he was working on and then, maybe, swing to other topics while sitting on his couch and taking sips of wine or scotch, depending on their mood. But he wasn't there, instead she arrived to an empty office that now had her name on it and was rarely used. She didn't want to come in, it didn't felt right, it wasn't where she was heading really, there was nobody there for her, not anymore. Alicia kept walking until she remembered the other reason she hadn't come here that often: Finn.

Placing step after step quietly she arrived to the edge of the stairs, there was a soft light coming from the floor below, and music. There was a high chance that that was Finn downstairs. His new business, even though now a little older and established, still took all of his time; after all, its growth meant more working hours for the only person in charge of it. The string music kept playing; it was a calming melody that repeated itself over and over. Alicia became aware of the other reason she was dragged to this place. She wanted to talk to someone, and she found herself having nobody to talk to. In her head she kept justifying her presence here by saying she was expecting Cary; though they haven't shared that much time lately and she knew he didn't usually stay working this late. No need for that being now a name partner. So the other half of her knew she had come here, besides of the nostalgia, to find Finn. After a long dreadful day she wanted to talk to him; she kept ignoring Johnny's calls after she left the interview, she was angry at him for not stepping out of his role for a second, for not agreeing with her on this, for not wanting to understand it better, even though she haven't said much to help him get there. But this wasn't something she could discuss openly with him, they didn't do that. They chatted, they laughed, they fucked. They didn't have meaningful conversations.

Finn and Alicia hadn't had many meaningful conversations either, they haven't got the time to get there. But they shared something, or at least she felt that. Maybe because he had seen her at a very vulnerable time of her life, maybe because he had kind of being part of that moment… Anyhow, there was some understanding in his part that both scared her and made her feel inclined to turn to him. She couldn't though. She had been building a wall between them for the past weeks that were now becoming months. It was funny how after all this years of living and learning she still didn't knew how to deal with certain things, like her relationship with Finn.

She went down the stairs. As she reached the last step she noticed the source of the music: Finn was sitting on his couch playing a guitar, he was pretty good at it. The tune was what seemed to be a never-ending series of harmonies, he kept playing, on an on, never stopping to begin a new one. His eyes were closed, deep in concentration. Alicia walked to the door and stayed there for some time until he finally noticed her a few minutes later. Finn stopped playing immediately, it was as if he had just seen a ghost.

"I didn't know you played the guitar"

"It never came out while we were talking"

He was curt. Almost harsh, though Finn's instinctive charm would never let it become that.

"Can I come in?"

"Suit yourself"

"You can continue playing, don't let me interrupt you"

"No, I'm fine. Actually I think I should get going, it's late"

Alicia was quiet for a moment, waiting to see any sort of movement from him, but he stayed on the couch, holding the guitar and staring at her. So she came in and laid on the desk just in front of him.

There was tension dangling in the room, led by the query that was in Finn's eyes and in Alicia's head: What was she doing? If it were for Alicia silence would have prevailed, but it wasn't on Finn's nature to leave things unsaid.

"Why are you here?"

"Well, my office continues to be upstairs... and I thought it was time I actually paid a visit. Since, officially, I still work here"

"You know what I mean" He said this while looking at nobody in particular in the adjacent offices. Then he turned back to her.

"I…" She remembered their last encounter here, on a night like this one. He was more playful, but just as paced. "I'm sorry I hadn't call, or take your calls, or answer your messages or come by"

Alicia was such a strange being for Finn, after a while knowing her he would like to convince himself he knew her enough, her fears, her commitments and the limits she had established herself. All this time she had been ignoring him he tortured himself with thoughts and theories about the million things he could had done wrong, reasons about what would had set them apart, broke those limits; he had came out with a thousand hypothesis, but not enough arguments.

The truth was it drifted away, it wasn't sudden. After a while Alicia seemed distant and he had noticed but was too selfish to face it. Of course he had asked her about it at the time, but of course she had denied everything. He just wished he could have had the courage to drifted away first, to stopped calling her and sending messages after the first ten she didn't answer. But that loyalty he felt he owed her at the beginning for the help given to him after the shooting, has became more than that. He didn't wanted to leave her alone, because he didn't wanted to be alone. So he helped in everything he could: with videos for the campaign, with her partner's trial, with the debate preparation and, hell, he would have even went to the debate to give her moral support if she had ask him, but she didn't. The Debate, coming to think of it, that was where things started to be weird. He let the silence hang for a while. Let it eat them alive. But he couldn't resist the urge to speak again.

"Why didn't you? What happened?" He knew as he talked that this was breaking the limits, she wasn't here to give him any explanations. It was better to get it over already "You know what? Don't answer that. I saw it happening but I chose to believe you when you said it was nothing. And now it's irrelevant"

"Finn, I don't know how it happened, I just…"

"It really doesn't matter. We are old enough to skip this whole conversation. Look, if you want to be okay around me, it's fine. You can come back to work whenever, and we'll rarely cross paths, and when we do, we will politely say hi to each other, and that will be it" He stared at her with that look she found very familiar, the flirty reassuring smile now hinted with a slash of sarcasm and anger. Then he stood up and put the guitar on its case, turning his back at her.

She didn't know what to do. Certainly, it shouldn't end like this. Leave it to her to break the little links that still tied her to others; just as it was slowly happening with her own partners at the firm. She didn't want to felt this lonely, but she knew Finn wouldn't just let it go without an explanation, she needed to tell him.

"I panicked. I panicked when I started liking your company, when you started being present more often, when you helped me, when you understood my panic and... when things were uncertain. So in response I moved somewhere else, away from the panic, to someone else"

He was standing still with his back towards her until she said she had move to someone else, then he turned around and brought back the sarcastic smile.

"Oh, I can see now where all of this is going. We are back to the bars vs. diners and the fact it never really mattered. Because either way you panicked or drifted away. We are back to those days in which I fucking hold myself because I knew what you were going through, I knew you were wounded and you needed time. But, oh Finley, don't you already know is never how you think with Alicia Florrick?"

"Oh, fuck you! Wounded? Who do you think I am? A freaking deer? You think you got me so well, don't you? You need to hold yourself? Pff, please! Maybe that was your problem! You waited too much! You sat around and expected the deer to come running to your arms…"

Words were now fighting their way out in both ways; moving by the rage that fueled them, taking no care or consideration.

"Waited too much? What was I waiting for, though? Is not as if you were ever planning on leaving your husband or the benefits he brings…"

"I'm not finished!" Alicia stood straight leaving behind the desk she had been resting on all of this time, getting closer to him. "Well the deer is no deer. I don't need you. And you have no right to make any opinion on my life! I ran away because I found someone that didn't looked at me as if I was wounded and that, certainly, moved faster"

"Oh please" He was facing her while making the most despiteful face she had ever seen on him. It helped to mark each word with more and more hate "Don't come to me to brag about the people you're screwing… I don't care"

"Maybe you should care!" Alicia and Finn were now standing in front of each other, fewer inches apart than before. There was now fear and desperation in Alicia's phrases woken by the hate she was feeling in Finn. "Maybe it will finally mean something! That, if you still plan on making any type of move before it's too late"

Finn had hear those last words and let them sunk in, counting the seconds until she ran out of the door to find shelter from her flourishing feelings once more. But Alicia stood still, and becoming conscious of what she had say she felt sad. What had brought her to this moment? Was she really expecting that? Movement from others? When in fact she had made so many false moves that had taken her nowhere? She projected this strong self that seemed to be her best feature, but here she was, vulnerable, desperate, begging; coming to Will's office and to Finn. She was running in circles.

Tears started flowing down her cheeks, a world of things unsaid and moves she never truly made. Will flashed through her eyes and stayed in her mind: 'Too late'. What did she waited for? Why was it so important for her to know that that last call was intended to make the move she refused to make herself, the move she kept demanding others to make. Like the decision on her marriage or the one that should end what now seemed like a mistake. It was too late, not for any of them, Will, Peter, Johnny or Finn, but for her.

Finn was shocked, the tears kept coming and coming and yet she didn't move. So he did, he hugged her and whispered in her ear:

"Alicia. I'm sorry, I… We don't have to do this. We both have screwed up. I'm sorry"

She returned the hug, the warm and pressure that came with it calmed her down and stopped the tears. After some minutes she lifted her head to wipe the remaining tears in her cheeks with her sleeve and faced him. Finn stared at her with a worried look. He didn't see her as a deer, he had never had. Every time he stared at her he knew he was looking at a lion. He felt the rush you get when you approach something majestic and terrifying, intimidating and inciting. He didn't reached to her because she was the wounded deer that need to be taken care of, but because she was the wounded lion that had a splinter in his paw and didn't know it. He wanted to get close enough to the lion to win his trust so he could help him stand again. It was a careful path in which one false move meant you were done.

But here he was, so near to the splinter because the king of the jungle had offered him his paw in a complete act of surrender and trust, but no splinter to take off. The lion was fine, healing.

Alicia smiled and lifted her eyebrows expressing her regret. Finn just blinked and did a small nod while making that charming smile she had seen on his face so many times on more friendly days. She then took his face in her hands and kissed his cheek, continuing to kiss him again a little lower, and again, lower and lower, tracing a slow path towards his chest. Finn held her head meanwhile and stopped her when she reached the collar of his shirt, lifting her face and kissing her intensely, if it wasn't fast the lion might back away. She returned the kiss, their mouths seemed to be experienced dancers predicting each other's moves better every time. They only stopped to take a breath and make sure the other was doing that as well. Finn smiled at her, and the smile was fully returned. He felt as if he could stay like that forever, but Alicia interrupted his moment.

"So… When did you learned to play the guitar?" She said, staying very close to his face.

"I think in my teens?" Finn grinned "13 or 14. Something like that. It proved to be very useful in those days"

"Oh, I bet it did" They both laughed "So you just keep it around in the office in case some teenage girls pass by?"

"I keep it to calm me down when I'm feeling too stressed. Now that I'm older it has proved to not be very effective on its first purpose… Though look at you here, maybe I still got it" Now it was Alicia who was grinning. Finn continued, now assuming a more serious tone "I'm not letting you fade away again"

All the previous moments of indecision gathered together to greet her, to say it was time for the confrontation. Why hiding away from this? She was Alicia Florrick, everyone hid away from her not the other way around. He wasn't letting her fade away because this wasn't his call, it was hers. He had tried to keep her around once already, and things faded. This time it was on her, this was her move.

"Don't worry, I won't" She answered as a whisper, as a confession.


End file.
